Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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