Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
