So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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