It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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