He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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