I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
