He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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