My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
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