Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
