Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
