Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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