Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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