Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
