I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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