She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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