Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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