Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
