if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
