chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
