I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
