the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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