You're a womanizer and a bitch.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Sober January is a disaster.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
