giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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