I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
