sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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