I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
