If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
