Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
