Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Randomize
