he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
