he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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