i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
