I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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