3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
