Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
