Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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