well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
