I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
