I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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