I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.