If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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