There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder