We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
