i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
