I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
