im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
