Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
