I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
