can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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