Only a mothe r could love this liver
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
