No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
