Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
