im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
