Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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