rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
